Fear of Commitment

I have a problem with commitment. You would think after years of experience, trying new things, schedules, lists, it would be easier, but here is the sad truth - are you ready for it????

I read six books at a time.

For some reason I cannot seem to commit to one book at a time. I have tried. Generally I will get most of the way through one book and then decide to start another one while I finish that one. Or I justify it by telling myself that they are on two totally different topics. The current list is:

Romancing Your Child's Heart
The Ragamuffin Gospel
Confessions of a Reformission Rev.
The Gentle Art of Domesticity
Breakthrough (a health book)
The Tightwad Gazette

I don't really get bored with them, I just tell myself that I can do two at once and then it turns into three at once, then four....... sooner or later I finish them all, get exhausted and don't pick up a book for two weeks. This is my pattern. I feel it's unhealthy. I think I underestimate my time on this earth to read books. It's as if I think I will only be here for a few more years and we have SO many books I've never read that I need to gorge myself on them.

I think John's problem is worse. John is a book hoarder. He buys books ALL the time, but rarely actually reads them. HA! I just called you out, babe! This results in even more books at our house that I feel I must read someday, so I'll just start this one too.... oh, Sheparding a Child's Heart looks good, maybe just a few pages to see what it's about..... This C.S. Lewis book has been calling my name, wonder what it's about, let's read the first few pages.......Green (Ted Dekker) finally came out after so many years, I wonder if it's as good as the others..... and so it goes.

A Good Friend

Today I made peanut butter and honey sandwiches for the kids for lunch and for the first time I had no one to give the crust to. I cried as I put the crust in the trash can. I had no one to get up at the crack of dawn and let out to pee, no one nudging me in my bed with his paw if I chose to NOT get up at the crack. No clickity clack of claws on the tile floor, no sad staring when I asked him to go outside. It's thundering outside and for the first time in nine years I'm not reassuring a dog that it's just thunder and allowing him to basically sit on me so he's not scared.



Last night I said goodbye to Boudreaux. He was truly man's best friend. Anyone who knew him knew that he was an extraordinary dog, well behaved, sweet, friendly, handsome, great with the kids, and my constant shadow - especially after he got sick. He would follow me from room to room, laying down beside me even if I was only in a room for a few minutes.

I am incredibly sad, crying at the drop of a hat, but there are many things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for when it happened - I was so worried that he would get really sick while John was gone to Canada and I would have to deal with this alone. I'm thankful that we noticed that he was having trouble breathing yesterday afternoon before it got so bad that he couldn't breathe at all. I am thankful that even though it was 5:15 and the vet should have been gone for the day he answered the phone and waited on us to get there. I'm thankful that I got a last chance to tell him how great he was. I'm thankful that the vet gave him two weeks when he was diagnosed and he lived 8. I'm thankful for the incredible nine years and many adventures we had together.


This was no ordinary dog, and Sadie reminded me of that last night. In the car while we waited on Daddy and Jack in the grocery store Sadie asked me to tell her stories about Boudreaux and I got to recount dog park stories of him swimming so fast he stole other dogs toys, of when he fell through the frozen river into the ice and I had to crawl on my belly to pull him out, of when his naughty sister-dog Biscuit stirred up a porcupine just in time to move out of the way so Boudreaux was the one who got quilled, of how he loved the taste of drywall when he was a puppy and literally ate our house, so many great stories. I think God was reminding me through Sadie of how blessed I was to have him all this time.

I'm choosing to bless the Lord and say "Thank you!" for all the years I had of such a great dog. But, unfortunately that doesn't mean I'm not sad. It's naptime now and I'm about to lay on the couch and rest a while. Boudreaux ALWAYS stood by me and whined to get up with me and I always said no because I didn't like the hair on the couch. Today I would gladly say yes and settle in for a good cuddle, no matter how much hair I had to clean later.

A Return to Normal

I title this "A Return to Normal" because that is what I am praying for. Not that I know exactly what "normal" is. I remember reading a book when I was a librarian in seminary, during one of my many evenings of sitting for hours with nothing to do, titled "Everybody's normal until you get to know them". In keeping with this book I choose to believe everyone's life is as chaotic as ours, it makes me feel better. I know, that's very Christian of me.

I have to say thank you to a few of my blogging friends. My previous blog was definitely written on a down day, and I was told by Bufkin that I should blog again soon to let everyone know I wasn't suicidal. But, two different people read my previous blog and felt led by God to send us help. I only mention this to say how awesome the timing was of both of these gifts, I want to tell you in order to praise the Lord for God's providence, and people who's hearts are turned toward him.

The first gift we received the same day that we were getting John's first paycheck from the school system. We had 850.00 in bills waiting to be paid, groceries to buy, and I was supposed to be driving to Arkansas the next day so gas money was essential. He had been working at this point for six weeks and no pay, so we were anticipating a large check. Atleast large enough to pay those bills, groceries and gas. We got $958.00. He was only paid for the first two weeks. The gift we received in the mail that day not only made me cry, but it paid for the rest of our needs!

Then while I was in Arkansas, John called to tell me that I had gotten a letter in the mail from an anonymous person who had sent me a gift. We both agreed that we didn't need anything at the moment, but we also knew that God knew what he was doing so we decided to set it aside because apparently we were going to need it. The next day John went to the eye doctor where he found out his vision had deteriorated and he needed a new prescription for contacts and glasses. We wouldn't have had the money for his glasses if someone had not listened to the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

Both of you know who you are and thank you seems inadequate. You encouraged our family in two ways:
1. You reminded us that God knows all our needs before we do, and HE PROVIDES!
2. You reminded us that there are people out there who care about us and who are willing to help.

We seem to be over the hump now. Considering we are in the ministry, we don't ever expect to be "rolling in it", but for now we are fine thanks to these sweet people who helped us through what could have been a VERY hard few weeks.

We are still seeking God about our future, but for now we are trusting Him with our day to day needs. If you will continue to pray for us I would appreciate specific prayer for direction for John. If we are supposed to stay in Roseland then John needs definite assurance that this is the right decision, and we have to figure out another arrangement for our second income. The substitute teaching is easy and makes good money, but John is miserable. I hate to see my husband miserable. I have definitely reached the point where I would pack up tomorrow and move wherever just to make my husband happy. John and I both know that the problem is not necessarily where we are, if this is where God wants us then we are in the best place possible. The problem is a lack of vision, lack of assurance, a feeling of floundering. We need to know this is where we are supposed to be so that we can plant our lives here, or we need to move. At this point I don't care either way, we just want to know and move in that direction.

Again, thank you to all. I know many of you have been praying for my family and that means more than you know. And thank you again to these sweet people who encouraged us more than they will ever know.

Real life

I went to a birthday party today with no present for the little boy. I considered skipping the party, but being the pastor's wife means that you almost have to go or you hurt feelings. We just didn't have money to buy a present. Reality of our new life is starting to set in. We have $31.00 in our checking account and we have three people coming for lunch tomorrow after church which means choosing today between buying the little boy a present or groceries. Of course groceries won out, we've just never been here before. Literally living from paycheck to paycheck is hard. It will be fine soon, it's just we're in a weird in-between stage where John hasn't started getting paid for the substitute teaching yet.

Also today we got a letter from the insurance we were trying to set up that said I was uninsurable. Apparently my two c-sections, panic attacks, and car wreck TEN YEARS AGO that left me with frequent neck problems makes me too high a risk. And we're not sure we can get our old insurance back. So, we may be up a creek. It's been hard the last two weeks knowing we had no insurance, but we kept thinking it would be here any day. Now we know we may have to start over again and I'm so worried that we will be without for a while and we have no money to pay for things if the kids get sick. I hate this. Not knowing KILLS me. I am too much of a control freak to go through these times okay. I fear my kids getting sick even when we HAVE insurance.

I know I sound like I'm just complaining. I am. I shouldn't, it's just that I don't have alot of outlet for this frustration. I don't want to worry my parents by calling them. I don't want to make John feel bad by letting it all out on him, I'm afraid he will somehow think it's his fault. My friends do not need more calls from Amy saying it's crappy. So, the internet gets the complaining.

What is going on, God? What is the lesson? I want to know so I can learn it and move past it! I know that's not the way it works, I know sometimes it takes years to get through it, but if we could just feel like you're here with us through it it would make things so much easier. Sometimes I feel like you're here. Sometimes.

Remembering

I was still sleeping when the plane hit the first tower. We were living in Winnipeg, Manitoba working for the North American Mission Board. John had been called stateside the weekend before to do an On-Mission celebration, so he was in Texas. I was awakened by the phone and Mrs. Sally Wells was crying on the other end. I will never forget her saying "Amy, they're attacking your country". I immediately turned on the TV and watched in horror. I only had local TV, and we were in Canada so they weren't showing minute by minute, so I drove as fast as I could to Mrs. Sally's to watch CNN with her. Shock, horror, helplessness. I got there in time to see the second plane hit. I remember weeping when they showed video of people jumping from the building, I can't help but cry just thinking of it.

Then I remembered John was in the states. He was in a town close to where the president (at the time's) ranch was and I had irrational fears that they would move the president there and John would be in danger. John was supposed to be flying back that day, but all the airports were shut down. Two days after being stranded in Texas, John rented a car and drove back to Winnipeg. He remembers every church, school, business, most homes even, flying flags and having patriotic messages on their boards. Everyone was proud to be American. Canadians were even nice about us being Americans for a few weeks.

It's still hard to believe it happened. We definitely thought we were too strong of a country for this. It's amazing the things that have changed since 9-11. We traveled alot back then, and it was CRAZY the difference before and after. In a good way though, no one was upset by being searched and metal detectors, and not being able to take certain things on planes.

Anyway, I just wanted to remember for a moment. Crazy historical moment. Remember to pray today for all those who lost loved ones that day. There were some true heroes made during that tragedy. Remember to pray today for our country, and for the leadership that God has put in place. Whether we like him or not, whether we voted for him or not, God knew he was going to placed there and GOD IS IN CONTROL. I hate to see Christians forget that.